Events in my life.

From the very start, I was told that Cathy was hurt badly in her last relationship, it's more likely I'll be a friend than boyfriend and that she isn't looking for anyone anytime soon. From her blog, her eyes and the words she uses, I can tell she misses him and meant the world to her. He who just left...literally...left her life as if a gust of wind... My emotional side says let her be yet my logical side tells me to persist! If I don't try then I run the high chance of failure without trying... If I do persist, then fail, at least I knew I did something... Persistence it is.

A few days ago I had a very short dream...i dreamed that there was this beautiful girl around the age of 2, maybe 3 running up to me, telling me to go play with her. She had two pony tails tied, a white small dress, long, straight black hair...my eyes and a face probably belonging to her mother, as i can't see anymore resemblance between us. I reached to hold her hand...then i woke. I told this dream and the image of the girl to my aunt...my aunt asked if I ever asked anyone to have an abortion...alarm bells went off in my head... My aunt continued to explain that, many years ago, she heard stories of people having dreams of their aborted children coming back to see them. Of course the child with passing time grown even in the spirit world and would definitely have features from their parents so the parents could recognize them... If that story is true...i wonder if that was my child I saw...those eyes were mine for sure...child...i'm so sorry for not being able to bring yo...

Oh Lin... Even now...a year and two months onwards I still get asked what did I do to mess up our relationship. It seems like people just cannot accept that it was all my fault...they want the details...but I am far too ashamed to tell... You were an awesome girlfriend to me and no doubt that you're an awesome girlfriend to your current boyfriend too... I, from the depths of my soul (or what remains of it) sincerely wish you all the best with your current partner...yet my relatives had to say "maybe you two will reunite one day". I can understand where they're coming from but I probably won't be able to us another chance due to my shame in crushing your heart on our last days together...a demonic act to someone as sweet as you can only be a demonic creature. I can never apologize enough nor do enough to make it up to you...

I was suppose to put this up eons ago! These are the photos of the flat that is mine! Haha. Of course it looks a little basic but it's for renting out and not myself! Here they are!

Ah, Friday night! Life has certainly twisted for me in a few sectors! House party then to the student union where I've not been to in years (literally!)...I'm telling you, I am actually going out more now in my late 20s that i did in my uni days. And then there is Cathy...the one that has some how put in me a intoxicated euphoric state. Did I allow this or did she cast a spell on me? Who knows, for now I'll enjoy the journey and not think too much! Having that said, I am in a moral dilemma just now...do I go looking for a new job or do I go back to my old trade of running a small business...?

~~sigh~~ Thursday 7th November...it was near the end of the working day and the manager asked to see me. He asked me how I think I was getting on...I replied; "fine i guess"…but there was a look...a very "unhappy" look in his eyes and the smile was forced... I pretty much knew what was going to happen next. I was initially hired as a Salesman to be part of their expanding team however due to my lack of experience and lacking of absolute enthusiasm for cars I was place with the Valet team to hopefully boost my interest in cars...in short it didn't work. My manager said with the most unwilling look in his eyes..."You're a great worker, you do what's needed and get on with it as if you're on a mission! But I cannot justify your earnings with what you're doing..." I interrupted his speech..."It's ok Chief...i understand...at the end of the day, you're running a business and you have to cut unjustified losses to the compan...

As I am writing this, she is going through my mind...who is she? How is she doing this? Why is it that I can hear her voice when she isn't near me? What is this intoxication? Am I poisoned? Have I been caught up in somebody's web? I want her...i want to see her...be around her...I am poisoned...and it seems it only grows worse and worse with each passing hour... How did this poison get injected into me? Will I be able to regain my right state of mind or will this intoxicating yet slightly euphoric state take over me completely... I am struggling to keep my mind at peace...Poisoned Euphoria...something that is bad and gets worse but makes you feel so good... I like having her in my head...that smile...her scent...her voice... I may have became a slave... How deep does this poison go...?

The past few nights has been horrendous for my sleep...mother needs to book flights, she seems unable to get the flights that suits her...,relatives visiting late (i mean after 12am late, while I must be up at 7am latest)... and their constant chatter, with the occasional laughter wake me from my almost deep sleep stage! Yet they always tell me to be more considerate to those who sleep for they have work the next day... At least I've got a night out planned, that's something to look forward to as well as a couple of drinks and meeting new people! Viva Le Weekend!!!

It's Monday morning, I just woke up from what might be the worst dream I've had since I'm able to dream...in the dream I was in a hospital...I think I was a student or some kind of volunteer for some kind of drug test. I was on the phone to one of my brothers for a general catch up before hanging up the call due to lack of reception. I was passing a room, where the door was left a jar, I saw a young woman being examined by a doctor...as I kept passing, my best mate Adam, who was is a grey suit with a most sad and blank expression passed by without a word...suddenly my heart sank, I turned around and burst into that room... It was Lin laying on the bed both eyes barely opened but still tearing...i didn't know what was going on, the doctor and the nurse in the room was also tearing uncontrollably...Even my eyes started to tear up...I'm guessing the doctor and the nurse were friends of Lin because I've not heard of hospital staff tearing in front of a patient... ...

So today I went to work as usual...whilst minding my own business, the manager comes up to me and asks if I'm up for a task. A task that requires me to drive approximately 103 miles from work to another one of our branches in Kilmarnock. Without hesitation, I agreed...I took over a Seat Ibiza Toca, metallic blue...it was a good car to drive. It doesn't do sporty but still not bad on the motorway...think i must of averaged about 50 miles to the gallon. Upon arrival, I was given a Citroen Dispatch Van to return to my original branch where one of my colleagues was expecting to sell it. So, in it I went, drove it a fuelling station, to then proceed to the closest Burger King! :) (even i need to eat, and it took a little over one and a half hours to go one way!) Shortly upon returning to my work with the van in perfect working order...the customer bought it! Kinda makes me feel good to know my efforts wasn't wasted and the buyer liked it that much! Once home, i was pretty hu...

Since I've left the catering business I have been able to have the day or evening of my Birthday off. Yet I still feel the same...every year, the days leading up to it, I get very irritated and frustrated. On the morning, when i wake, I think to myself..."great, another working day"! For many years it has been like that for me, working or working on the day itself. I guess that's why I have no affinity to my birthday because year in year out its work, work, work. This year is no different yet I'm beginning to yearn for a little attention on the day... When I was with Lin...she'd pop round and try to arrange something for us. Bless her...and I just went along because it was easy and she's made effort. The most memorable birthday was my 21st, Lin and I was together officially for 3 days and my best mate, Adam was there! Lin made a malteser cake for me...from deep within my soul, a tear was shed... My immediate family was half was across the world in Hong...

For most of you who don't know me personally, I can befriend pretty much anyone after a short while in knowing you. And if you needed help, company or anything else...I would be quite happy to help, you see, I've inherited this trait from my mother yet lately, I've only began to realise that I've been used in many ways... If you take my old work for example, the owners paid me 200 less in comparison to his previous chef per month. I did twice the work, knew what to do, when to do, didn't need accommodation nor or little things... A certain ex workmate of mine wanted me to help her get a job at the local night club, i knew the owner of the club, had a few words and got her an interview... The ex workmate's friend started an argument with me for no reason, she unfriended me on facebook... These are just a few examples of my harmless nature being abused...only realising it now causes me to sicken myself. I think life is trying to get me to evolve so that only t...

Hey you, Its September 9th 2013, as you may remember from my previous posts...I've changed careers completely. I went from Chef to Car Salesman and its been...different in an enjoyable way. Like being a Chef, learning to be a Salesman is on the job learning...you must observe how your colleagues chat to the customers, how they nudge products, how to construct a suitable deal, how to suggest a car to what the customer said and much more! Also, the flat that I bought a short while ago has now been rented out! Should be getting in my first rent cheque at the end of this month! WOO!!!!!! Can't wait! Life has thrown me a bone, shame I have nobody to share it with...DAMN IT!!!

It was Sunday 1st September... Work usually starts at 12pm on Sunday but because it was the first day of the new reg plates for cars, everyone came into work early. As my colleagues were very busy with delivering cars to their clients on a tight schedule...I was left to do odds and ends such as greeting customers and taking them out for test drives. A couple came into the showroom and wanted to test drive a Seat Ibiza....my mentor told me to grab the company's trade plates and the keys for the requested car. So off I went to grab both items...I've been here for just over a month and know pretty much where things are or where they should be...however...I not able to find the trade plates... What happened earlier was another colleague of mine had done a test drive with a customer and left the trade plates in that car...long story short, he didn't put the keys back onto the board where they're usually kept, I couldn't find them, my manager gave me a ballocking for n...

Guys and girls, This I think is predominantly a Chinese thing or at least I think it is due to none of my non-Chinese friends experiencing anything of a similar sort. From what I've come to understand from my relatively few years of existence...the kids in each family have their niches. The older ones takes care of the younger ones and the younger ones either act like spoilt brats or grow to respect their older siblings for the care they provided. Then everything is good! Fab!! For myself...I don't know why it is...different to quite the other end of the scale...I am the eldest of 4 boys, I've taken care of and to a degree...raised my brothers while in my earlier years. Parents worked long hours so it was my duty as such...when I grew tall enough (...literally) , I was working in their Take Away Shop...later when they had a restaurant...i worked there too. My brothers mainly worked in the restaurant part time too, when times were tough...however...that's kinda whe...

It would seem like life has thrown a bone my way after nearly a year of mistakes and horrible events...Firstly I got a flat in Aberdeen - Scotland! (Yeah Me!), however it is in joint names with my folks and it'll be used as a rental instead of for personal uses because its very near city centre...photos later! Secondly, on Monday 8th July, I went for an interview for a Sales Executive position in Dundee...of the 100+ applicants, only 34 including myself were chosen for the interview itself and it was pretty intense for myself as I was up against many seniors in this field and I came from a very different background and had no knowledge of what the employers was looking for! Thursday afternoon came and I got a phone call say I got a job if I wanted it and I can start any time I can! So on 28th July, bye bye Chef Uniform, bring on 29th July...HELLO NEW JOB! AND I CAN GET A COMPANY CAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Life is sweet at the moment! For all my friends, brothers and sist...

Am I hitting some form of crisis? I am 26 coming on 27, I am about to leave a job without another one lined up...I feel that I am in a rut...a really shit one at it. I've spoken to my best friend and he suggests one of two things. Travelling or do another degree, I do like travelling but I never travelled alone...its a personal opinion that if there were two or more people going then at least you feel you always have one person you know. When I did do some travelling, it was always with Lin...she made me feel needed by being there for her when travelling... I can't be bothered with another degree that'll take 4 years to result in a piece of paper and debt. What ever happened to the days where you can apply for a job and do academic studies at the same time? WHERE did they go?! I even wonder if there are such jobs any more! I seriously don't know what to do or which direction to turn too...

2013 hasn't been a kind year so far, the death of my grandfather was sudden but not unexpected, my grandmother who usually doesn't share much emotions has cried, felt depressed and is mourning over the loss of her husband of 60+years, hearing her cry the way she did at the funeral literally crushed my heart...and to top it off, Saturday 8th June, morning at about 4:07am, my aunt who is 53/54 years old has died. She had cancer which spread to the brain, a stroke that paralysed her left side and she only retired a year ago...She has worked all her life and didn't even finish primary school... These deaths that has occurred so suddenly has...some what punched some fear into me...should I work so much? Is there any jobs or careers that will allow me to enjoy life as a source of income? Should I bother with a job? How much time do I have left? What the Fuck am I even doing? Is this some form of "early-mid-life crisis?"...Bloody Hell, thinking about this jazz makes me...

This past week has been very hectic...I am currently in Hong Kong while I am typing this...Hmm...Let me start from last Saturday... Saturday 11th May in the early morning of the day the house phone rang at 6am...7am and again at about 8.46am...at first I thought perhaps is a sales call from some really desperate company that is about to go down the financial crap hole...but then again...it was Saturday...NOBODY works that hard in the UK. So i proceeded to let the phone ring... 10am...came, I didn't managed to sleep so I got up to get ready to work. Everything went just like any other Saturday...I took my Martial Arts gear...my work stuff and off I went...after about 2 hours at work, my phone rang...it was from my dad..."You're grandfather is really ill, you going back to Hong Kong with us?" You may have guessed my reaction..."Say what?" My dad repeated what he said... I asked him...When you leaving? I'll see if the boss can let me go. Dad: ...

As I am blogging away, my time at my current work is closing to its end date. I have yet to find a job that'll take me on...reason? I am not as employable as my peers, I haven't worked for lots of people or companies, I've only worked in family business or ran my own...Kinda sad how little it counts for... But anyways, my brother is urging me to go into the Oil and Gas industry since its where all the money is at the moment. I would like to get a career in this sector too so fingers crossed and let me keep trying! I should think my perseverance will pay off eventually, if not the Oil and Gas industry...maybe sales?

Guys, something interesting happened today, somehow, my folks and I were talking about flats and there was this very nice flat going for sale so we put in a last minute offer. For the past couple weeks, we've not had much luck at all with flat buying so when 3:30pm came along...we were EXTREMELY surprised to hear that WE GOT THE FLAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Problem now is, I'll have to use up all my savings...BUT ITS SUCH A NICE FLAT!!! Will definitely post up a few photos when we get it :) For now, take care guys! Hope life is throwing you a bone too!

WHO THE HELL GAVE THAT WOMAN THE "BIRTH RIGHT" TO HAVE ME TAXI HER AROUND AND EXPECT ME TO JUST AGREE?!?!?! SCREW YOU TO HELL AND TO THE NEW AREA WHERE THEY ARE MAKING IT ESPECIALLY FOR YOU YOU STUPID VA***A COW!!!! OK that had to come out, here's the story, throughout this week so far, my employer's wife who is looking after the work place in his absence has used a Chinese curse word on me several times. This curse word itself curses you to basically trip over and bust your face. It sounds lame translated into English but if you are Chinese and know which word I am referring to, then you know my anger, I can take it as a joke every once in a while but when you use that consistently,  you are testing my patients on how long I can withhold from punching that face of yours! So, its 12:46am now in UK, just over 2 hours ago, I was finishing up at work, Lisa (Boss' wife) comes strolling along and says "Hakuren, you busy tomorrow morning? I need a life up t...

I am sounding more like a "quiter" with each passing hour! My current employer needed to take his "lil princesses" back to China for "Ching Ming" and basically left me working for 2 weeks straight WITHOUT informing me of the following: - Time off during his absence? - Time off at all when he comes back? - Extra pay? Here I am after two days of him buggering off learning this, I WILL be working 2 weeks straight without a day off...there has been no discussion of reimbursing my days off that I should of had...and worse of all, DEFINITELY no mention of paying me extra for the EXTRA days off! I have been working my hands raw and body aches yet things seems to never end! 2nd day, 12 more to go......no, that is INCORRECT!!! My last day of was 26th March...its now the 9th...its my 14th consecutive day of working and I am starting to lose my mind! ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HURRAY BACK YOU BUM HOLE!!!!! 7 more days till my "theo...

Hmmm, not sure how to start this one...It was Friday 29th March, I managed to corner my employer and told him I will be resigning after July this year. I have had many good time, bad times and crazy times under the roof of the restaurant and I think it is honestly time to leave. The people who runs it, their system and a certain member of staff irritate me. The current owners and their sons, who all "work" there don't know what they're doing! I use the word "work" EXTREMELY loosely! It was agreed upon that all the chefs takes turns in making dinner at the end of each shift, he/she can make whatever they want, however they want...EVERY FREAKING TIME we make anything, the owners ALWAYS say "This is not how we make it..." "That isn't how I like it..." GET TO FUCK YOU INBRED BITCHES!!!!! IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT FUCK OFF OR MAKE FOOD YOURSELF AND DON'T ASK US TO MAKE YOU ANYTHING AGAIN!!!!! As for his sons, they're more like...

Perhaps in this day and age my thoughts on this matter is "old fashioned", the concerning matter for me this week is the topic of "Friendship". What is friendship? How do you define it? How did it start? Can you have that with anyone? Are there levels of friendship? Or is it just another word people use without any substance and meaning behind it? Friendship was once a great investment in MANY respects, when you were in trouble, friends would come from far and wide to help you get back on your feet, keep in contact with you, give you encouragement or lend you a "Haven" for when times are really up shit creek and you're about to hit the rapids! One "friend" of mine and I were quite close at one point, texting and replies usually took no longer than a few minutes, of course when you're personal business is needing attend to, the replies would of had: "Sorry was doing...blah blah blah...etc etc" Now? If I text, there would...

To you, Since my last blog entry, I think I grew two extra brain cells...How the Hell did I come out with that conclusion you ask? On the Saturday 16th Feb, I was tidying out my room a bit and I found lots of presents my ex-girlfriend bought me and I slumped into a heap; photos that were taken in our happy times, clothes that no longer had her scent, Bleach Manga Box Set that she got me for my birthday, a Sterling Silver Money Clip with my initials engraved in it, books I wanted to get but never had the time to go out and buy, my Swiss Watch, Pen set and most personal of all...a Zippo Lighter that has: *Hakuren*  Love u always *Lin* xxx As I looked at these items, I only now realise that Lin chose these gifts from her heart as they were the things I loved and still love. Bleach Manga, I still read them when they come out every week. I am a Silver fan and have a few small Silver bars...that Silver Clip was a fantastic item to add to my collection of Silver! The bo...

Remember the restaurant that I used to run? The current owners have asked me back to help out for about 6 weeks due to 2 chefs are leaving to go back to China for a month holiday...Today was my 3rd day back...I can't believe how deep a shit hole they have got into! Their Head Chef (Self proclaimed 10+ years of experience at some fancy restaurant) is a complete mockery of the word "Chef", I have only been a Chef for two years but I was loaded with at least 50 years worth of experiences through 3 different chefs...and even I know this guy is utter useless. There was a few things that confused me to the point of hysterical laughter...I swear on my life these are questions/comments HE asked/said me! Why is business bad?   Why is it that since you came back business is so dead?   Why are you making sauce like that?   Why are you so eager to get things done?   If you make sauces/flavour food that way it'll taste bad!   Why don't you make those sauces with the...

Sunday 20th Jan 2013, for some subconscious reason I decided to visit the ex's parents. When I got there, I must have stood for about 5 minutes deciding whether or not to ring the doorbell...Why was I here? What possessed me to do so? What was I thinking?...Then the best question popped through my head..."listen Hakuren, what's the worst that could happen? Asked to leave? If so, then leave!" I proceeded to ring the bell, sure as Hell I heard the most familiar, excited and eager bark! It was the family pet dog, scratching and whining at the door extremely excited about my presence, her parents knew that it would be me, the dog only gets this happy when I am there. The door opens and the dog launches himself at me, it's been about 5 months since I've visited this place properly. "Oh my, Hakuren its you! Do come in" Aunty Wong said. "I knew it must be you because the dog went crazy!" Uncle Wong said warmly. We exchanged and caught up a...

Anyone else been through a break up and your ex blocks you on everything? I mean...e-mails, FaceBook, mobile numbers, the lot. Well, who else can I blame for this mess than myself? I tried phoning her a month back for a general chat but she never taken my calls, only texts saying "Sorry, was busy" I text her many times but replies came by, far and few in between. I also texted her about how much I wanted her back (because phoning her was impossible). Of course the reply wasn't pleasant and that should be a lesson..."I don't want to get back with you, I am VERY happy with my new boyfriend...can't you just be happy for me?" Its so ironic...I seriously knew nothing of how big a part of my life she was until now. I severely miss those random calls she would make to me when she had just 5 mins off work. Ones she'd make when something was wrong. Ones she'd make when her folks wanted me to pop round for dinner. Times she surprise visits me at wor...

Ever get one of those days where you wake up refreshed and ready to get on with the day? I felt like that this morning but then I got a call... "Hey Hakuren, the plumber is here can you pop by?" “Yup, on my way!” I replied You see, majority of the Chinese operates under a hierarchy system, when the ones at the top are unavailable, the guys at the bottom looks at me. I am all for helping people but it’s the people themselves who ask for my help that most piss me off! Allow me to explain; I have been in the restaurant business for about 5 years on end, met many tradesmen, good and bad, fluent Cantonese and English speaker, able to run a simple bar without problem, I am free most days since my position was taken over by some less efficient person and…the one person who EVERYBODY takes a stab at with their smart ass comments. Mind you, not everyone is rude to me…. Perhaps it is my tendency to manners, when I ask anyone for something or help, I will say “Plea...

Has anyone else felt like they can't communicate with the previous generation? Folks like your parents, aunts & uncles? Or people who firmly believes in just one way of life? Both my parents came to the UK with nothing, met here, got married, ran a small business, 15 years later had built a tiny empire...now in their mid 40's (mother) and mid 50's (father), they have retired. Its more or less the same story with all Chinese people and my other blood relatives. Now that their children (myself included) are in our early to late 20's, they keep saying having a job is important! Job this! Job that! And frankly I am sick of this because I have seen something that they have missed!! If YOU have a job, that is your ONLY source of income. If one day your job goes, so does your income and you're on the hunt to find another. I was one of those kids who without choice worked in the family business. Week in, week out, year in, year out. The year was 2008, I had grad...