Starting afresh...

To you,

Since my last blog entry, I think I grew two extra brain cells...How the Hell did I come out with that conclusion you ask?

On the Saturday 16th Feb, I was tidying out my room a bit and I found lots of presents my ex-girlfriend bought me and I slumped into a heap; photos that were taken in our happy times, clothes that no longer had her scent, Bleach Manga Box Set that she got me for my birthday, a Sterling Silver Money Clip with my initials engraved in it, books I wanted to get but never had the time to go out and buy, my Swiss Watch, Pen set and most personal of all...a Zippo Lighter that has:

*Hakuren*

 Love u always

*Lin*

xxx

As I looked at these items, I only now realise that Lin chose these gifts from her heart as they were the things I loved and still love. Bleach Manga, I still read them when they come out every week. I am a Silver fan and have a few small Silver bars...that Silver Clip was a fantastic item to add to my collection of Silver! The books were on the philosophy and history of Martial Arts in general. The Swiss Watch was from when we went to Switzerland together in Dec 2008, we bought a matching pair. Lin knew I had a soft spot for good pens and she bought me a "CROSS" Ball point pen and Fountain pen set. Last but not least, the Zippo Lighter, I have a small collection of Zippo lighters with Japanese styled designs...Lin got an ordinary one but it has very personalised engravings which makes it extremely unique! I pretty much broke down as everything flashed and flooded my brain, why didn't I just throw them out? Answer is, I couldn't do it physically, it is as if they acted as shackles that would not allow me to throw them...so I decided to put them into a box and drop them off at her place on my day off work.

On my day off, I drove 125miles to her place, placed down the box, knocked on the door...nobody was home so and turned towards my car. I stood still for about 5 minutes but it felt longer...I returned to the box and took back the lighter and the money clip. I told myself, "Hakuren, these two items will serve to remind you what a fungal disease of the vagina you have been to Lin. Since you have been nothing but a gigantic anal probe and a coward, it is only fitting that the items will cause you heart ache that gets more and more painful each time you look at them!"

I returned to the car and drove another 125 miles home...very upset.

 

That must be the sadistic part of me because as I am doing this blog entry, the lighter is next to my keyboard, I am literally tearing up and trying to not let out the water works.

I made myself promise on my own life that if ever another wonderful girl comes into my life and I will love her full heartedly!  

I hate myself for making this EPIC FAIL of a mistake to break up with Lin and MOST REGRETTABLE action of not begging her to forgive me and take me back when I had the chance.

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Work wise, I have now been signed on full time, the new guys want me to work for them and not just six weeks as per the original plan. I said I would agree on the terms of I get a raise. They knew I do the work of two of their other staffs so they agreed without second thought. They asked me why I wanted a raise...I replied, I am 26 & have nothing. I just destroyed my personal life. I still live with my parents. So I think its time I grew a pair of balls and start to take care of myself. Its time that I moved out or at least get a flat and rent it out for additional income. My new "Boss" was taken back slightly by my new ways of thinking. NO more "Happy go lucky" for a while for me!

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Today at work, my new Boss was on a downer, arguments with his wife and is on the verge of a divorce, bought a new microwave oven that doesn't work and lost a fair amount on the football...He was kicking the bin, muttering curse words and generally pissed off with the World. Because we had customers still in the restaurant I told him to just shut it and go get some supplies that I needed, and get another new microwave oven while he was in town...muttering under his breathe "What and leave you in the kitchen alone?!"

I laughed and said "I've lived through worse Boss, now piss off!"

He did, I managed fine by myself and he returned after 1 hour feeling slightly better.

My work colleague Viv (who is like my sister) said "I can't believe this! You managed to calm him down and handle the whole kitchen by yourself!!! You've changed Hakuren! Just 6 months ago you were the same and wouldn't listen to anyone!"

I smiled and told her, what else was there to do? Boss being in a bad mood is fine but when he is swearing and customers are still here, it's not good for business! All he needed was to get out and have a walk! As for me, I am only doing my job, lots of life lessons has been taught to me in these past few months and its time I stepped up the game a bit.

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My best friend Adam call last night and we had a little catch up, he was worried that I am falling into my old trap and won't be getting what I am worth while working in the restaurant that I felt chained to. I understand his concern and then I told him, I know it looks like I am going backwards, but there are times in life that in order to move forward, you may have to take a step back! If I want to move out or get a flat to rent out to others, I must have a job as such. Since this line of work is what I was grown into, why let it go to waste?

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As I said earlier, I think I've grown a few extra brain cells with major thanks to the break up with Lin, she used to do EVERYTHING and ANYTHING for me, not that I have destroyed that, I must fend for myself. Since my new boss as saw my work efficiency and asked me to stay, I guess I have bargaining chips to play ball with on the topic of a pay raise...which I received as of today! WOOP! Being able to control someone else's behaviour while staying calm...is new to me, I never knew I had the ability to do that without causing disruption.

With my new small plan, I want to be able to have a job and rental income that in combination will provide me with a comfortable living and income!