Events in my life.

I've had a moment...one of those where I want to shoot myself... I've been messaging Michelle today and asked if I can see her for 5mins when she's free. My friends and I was out in the City around that time so I asked Michelle to meet up at the Casino at 8pm, since that is when she finishes her yoga class...my phone was nearly flat of juice and wasn't in the best of areas for reception. 8pm came, I was waiting but Michelle didn't turn up...no text...no call...by 8.29pm I left the Casino...two messages came at once...one saying Mitchell was heading over from Yoga...second one...she left because I wasn't there...and she needed to go home. It's my fault for not being clear...cocked up what could of been something.

My chief instructor, Sensei Whyte, in the all black suit, my second instructor, Sensei McGregor with the blue top, Kevin, with the cap, my sempei and 3rd in line for the school and Diane, also my sempei, one of only two female sempei that I'll acknowledge. Miss the school doesn't begin to describe the hole it'll leave...I've been with them for 12 years. 12 very fun, interesting, intense, hard, bruised and well spent years. I look forward to the day I can return.  Farewell for now everyone, train hard.

I'd just like to blog about today which has been rather good! Got up a bit earlier than usual...did my warm up exercises and then got a call from my Aunt Kitty, pop up to work early, your Aunt Ying came round! Off I went to work early, had a good banter, steak for (late) lunch and Aunt Ying left us some good old Hakka Cha Gor!! As we closed up the shop, I made stuffed chillies with minced pork...aunt Kitty doesn't usually eat spicy foods but wanted to try them! "Oh!!! They are good! Not spicy and i can totally eat them!" Two minutes later you saw a mad woman running around the shop trying to cool off her lips because they were burning! All you saw of me was, some guy laughing his head off whilst desperately trying not to spit out the food in his mouth! Damn i'm going to miss these people when I leave for Edinburgh!

It's not officially confirmed but I'll be moving to the Capital of Scotland, Edinburgh by the end of this month. Change will build character yet I wonder if I am heading in the right direction... Cathy hasn't given me a proper reply as such...in a way, she's played a part in my decision to move. Its weird, I never had a problem with going away but why now? Am I too comfortable in the zone I'm in?               ************************ Upon a bit of thinking...I've got a property that I take rent from...I still live at home with my comforts...fuck a duck...I don't have a proper income or my own pad to crash at.... Decision made...moving! Financial stability first....girlfriend....later! (Would be nice if they both came to me soon but life doesn't give this shit out) Edinburgh, say Hello to this Bastard!

From the very start, I was told that Cathy was hurt badly in her last relationship, it's more likely I'll be a friend than boyfriend and that she isn't looking for anyone anytime soon. From her blog, her eyes and the words she uses, I can tell she misses him and meant the world to her. He who just left...literally...left her life as if a gust of wind... My emotional side says let her be yet my logical side tells me to persist! If I don't try then I run the high chance of failure without trying... If I do persist, then fail, at least I knew I did something... Persistence it is.

A few days ago I had a very short dream...i dreamed that there was this beautiful girl around the age of 2, maybe 3 running up to me, telling me to go play with her. She had two pony tails tied, a white small dress, long, straight black hair...my eyes and a face probably belonging to her mother, as i can't see anymore resemblance between us. I reached to hold her hand...then i woke. I told this dream and the image of the girl to my aunt...my aunt asked if I ever asked anyone to have an abortion...alarm bells went off in my head... My aunt continued to explain that, many years ago, she heard stories of people having dreams of their aborted children coming back to see them. Of course the child with passing time grown even in the spirit world and would definitely have features from their parents so the parents could recognize them... If that story is true...i wonder if that was my child I saw...those eyes were mine for sure...child...i'm so sorry for not being able to bring yo...

Oh Lin... Even now...a year and two months onwards I still get asked what did I do to mess up our relationship. It seems like people just cannot accept that it was all my fault...they want the details...but I am far too ashamed to tell... You were an awesome girlfriend to me and no doubt that you're an awesome girlfriend to your current boyfriend too... I, from the depths of my soul (or what remains of it) sincerely wish you all the best with your current partner...yet my relatives had to say "maybe you two will reunite one day". I can understand where they're coming from but I probably won't be able to us another chance due to my shame in crushing your heart on our last days together...a demonic act to someone as sweet as you can only be a demonic creature. I can never apologize enough nor do enough to make it up to you...